I could feel the pull. Then the release. Weaving in & out, a rhythmic pattern soothing & comforting to my skin. My footing reestablished underneath me, like a child given new shoes that finally fit just right. Giving in and making room. Dusting old corners free of blinding cobwebs hanging in the corners of my eyes. Purging old resentment and anger that I clung onto once like rare diamonds in a satin coin purse. Fleeing from the many masks that covered my anguish and deep rooted griefs. As I untied the knots that weighed heavily upon my chest, I was becoming lighter and freer. Softer & more myself.
October has always had a way of reminding me to take a deeper look inside. Maybe it was the way the leaves began to change, all knowing of the crisper times ahead. Slowly, then all at once, right before your eyes. Maybe it was how the cold air pressed at my sweet tooth, hinting that something warm & comforting be placed inside the oven to bake. It's like I knew something softer and kinder & more gentle was necessary of me now. And at the same time it's something stronger and fiercer and wildly more aligned with my own morals begging to be freed. It's becoming true to my own intentions through mindfulness & heart-centered balance. Its repairing my heart and my head to its original, perfectly imperfect self. The one given out in the beginning. The one untainted by society & judgements and heartbreak. It looks like placing my self worth back on the highest shelf in my house, rightfully where it deserves to sit.
The Black New Moon made way this October, entering into our atmosphere and equally into my soul. It is said that this Black New Moon is connected to many Goddesses, particularly the Goddess Lilith. Lilith is associated with sexual energy, creativity, rebellion, and feminine power. She is a symbol of divine matriarchal energy that refuses to be dominated or controlled. With this New Moon it has brought a newfound sense of release & a confidence to press onward in my own self repair. Unraveling the anchors of my past I could feel its gentle push inside me drawing out my intuitive and perceptive gemstones. Embracing the weaknesses I was once ashamed to admit to, alongside my inner strengths. With each brisk blow of our autumn wind I could hear the whisper of the new moons strong universal energy begging me to uncurl the clench of my fists & release the last of the toxicity from my fingertips as I would continue on my path of repair.
When you think about the word repair, often that follows the impression that something was damaged to begin with. I suppose I can think of myself as a little bit damaged. Damaged by feelings of abandonment, neglect, and rejection as a young child. My parents, addicts lost in their own turmoils have been much of an absent memory that I have tried to tuck far away. Seeking love & affection too soon, too young, in the wrong places almost mirroring the images of my childhood tore edges off my heart. It made me question if there was such thing as real love at all. Question my worth. Question my value. Then I met a man, my now husband. Kind eyed, & gentle. He asked me what my dreams where and looked into my eyes when I responded, listening. Truly hearing the words I spoke. He'd hold my hands and we'd sit & talk for hours about life and love and slowly he turned the grey that smoldered within bright & beautiful. He really was my saving grace. His selflessness, kindness & unconditional love, even to a damaged girl, helped teach myself it is I that should love myself first.
When you live with many years of damage, much of which you've hidden, it can unravel in the darkest of ways. Pinning such negativity in for so long, I became much like a vagrant on the streets. Hoarding her belongings, toting them to each and every place she travels, collecting new items as she moved. Collecting more baggage, more damage. It is not until I accepted, and even embraced these unsettling feelings of unacceptance, pains and tensions that I am able to walk freely, and lighter in step.
This Black New Moon helps to illuminate our shadow side, which not only draws forward our deepest desires and yearnings to be heard, but also the uncomfortable, the raw, the vulnerable emotions we have let hold space in our unconscious mind. October has brought me much thought and a deeper understanding of these emotions as I've cleansed my psyche for a more harmonious relationship with myself. Slowly I can feel the shift from within. No longer looking to others for an approval. Letting go of the sore past and the people that lived there who hold no positive place at my present & future table. Unafraid to not conform, stand out, look different. Embracing myself wholeheartedly as a woman, a mother, a wife, freed from societal controls.
Strangely enough, or possibly coincidentally enough, I have always held a special place below my breastbone for October. The month I fell in true love. The month a shiny silver ring was slipped onto my left hand when a light haired man swung open the shower doors and bent down on one knee. My hair still fizzy from shampoo atop my head, tears rolled down my face as he told me he'd been holding onto the shiny diamond in his black leather coat pocket that hung in our shared closet for months just waiting for the right time. It was the month the fruits of our love was anticipated to arrive earthside, only to arrive nine days later sunnyside up & the perfect image of her daddy. And now October holds memory as a time when I shed the many coats I have collected from a past lifetime of uncertainty, anguish, & inadequacy & am reminded of my truth, empowered and embracing the wholeness of my heart.
This soul searching, unwinding, journey resurfaces many pained memories and is not as easy as turning off an old switch, and entering in a new room. It takes the hard work of digging through dusty, cluttered filled chests brimming with your faults and deepest sorrows. It takes looking at them face to face and truly feeling them all over before you can begin to heal. For me the healing is a life's work. The growing, the changing, the continuance of slipping up and making more mistakes. It all comes with this transformation. For me this repair period is the first of many that I am sure to come across in my life. But I no longer want to be a silent victim of circumstance of the world we live in, greyed & unfeeling, or angered & resentful. As the autumnal brisk air swirls by your face on a gusty moonlit night, the crackling of the amber fire burning it's embers into the air, your feet rustling over the fallen leaves, may you feel the New Moon too, and allow your souls to expand and accept yourself in all its beautiful, flawed, glory as you take the lead in your own life.
Journalist: Kylie Foreman