A Beautiful Blur

The house is quiet but for the spurting sound the coffee makes as it brews sweetly in the kitchen and the songs of the birds as they echo through the ripped screens in the tattered windows. I wrap my robe tightly around my waste, slide my thick slippers over my toes and stumble softly to the bathroom so not to wake anyone. As I run my fingers through my hair I take note of the splashes of gray that frame my face. I slowly run my palms over my skin, tracing the lines that have delicately formed around my eyes and mouth. The dark circles that have made a permanent home below my hazel eyes seem darker in the soft morning light. The suns rays squeeze their way through the cracks of the bamboo blinds embracing my body as if to say "There you are beautiful, perfectly imperfect momma." I stare at my reflection in the mirror and am in awe of the flaws, the physical changes and the wear and tear it has taken. This body created three lives and in return those little lives have given me purpose.

Motherhood has changed me. It is the most intense, raw, blindingly beautiful reality I have ever faced. While holding my sweet baby for the first time was a moment I will never forget, it was quickly followed by a period that remains a beautiful blur. The first few months of motherhood sent me into a deep momma trance. Sleep deprived, a newborn permanently attached to my breast, diaper changing every hour and simply trying my best to exist in the conversations that were taking place around me. At times I felt as though I was lost, trying to figure out the balance of being a mother and remaining who I was before this amazing little person came into my life. I often felt I was drowning in exhaustion and grasping onto my sanity while trying to coexist with this little life who needed 100% of my time and devotion. This season seemed to last an eternity when I was in it, yet now looking back it seems to have passed with the blink of an eye. Truthfully, I miss it with every ounce of my being. The soft skin and sweet scent of the seven pounds that fit so perfectly in my arms, resting peacefully on my chest, heart beating in sync with mine. We were one.

With my youngest turning three I am now entering a new chapter in parenting. For the first time in twelve years I am taking my final step out of the thick of motherhood and ascending wholly into the now. This stride is one that is bitter sweet and chock full of emotions. My days of pulling all nighters, breast feeding every few hours and changing diapers around the clock have come to an end. With more hours of sleep built into my bones and all of my babes on the same eating schedule, I now feel the intense ability and power to be present. With my energy peaking, there is less struggling through the motions and more living through the moments. These amazing little humans who have taken permanent residence in my heart are my all consuming reason for living. I watch in wonderment as they demonstrate the most sincere love for life, for each other, for me. Motherhood has been, and continues to be, the most difficult yet remarkable journey I have ever been blessed to take. It rocks your world and awaken your soul. It expands your heart and gives you new eyes. There is no more "I". There is no more  "me". It is now "we" and "us". Motherhood and these tiny magnificent people have given me more than I could ever possibly give back.

Joelle Fortin, The Village Journalist

Krystal DonovanComment